Still looking for it.

Somehow I have not ended up doing what I thought I would be: something amazing.

What’s worse, my attempts to be doing this unknown amazing thing have fallen so flat, aroused so much disinterest, that I’ve lost belief in my own creativity.

I’m a little proud of myself for jumping into, and largely doing, a non-creative job processing stock at an electronics retailer. But it’s not the day job I hoped it would be, mostly because I find myself struggling to focus on the myriad of things I need to be doing. As a creative, I like to focus on one thing, the thing, the thing I am doing. To be in the zone. But if it was a menial job with only one task, that could be even worse.

I am in full lament mode, as you can tell. But there is a reason I’m typing this out, even though I’ve secretly felt this way for the last decade. Well, mores the last seven years since I finished my design degree and haven’t used it to do anything because to be honest, I kind of feel invisible, as if I actually suck and I’m the only one who doesn’t know it.

I’m writing this because, firstly, I need to accept this and laugh about it. I also need to adopt it into my identity and normalise it for myself, so I can move past it, instead of kind of pretend it’s not happening. Secondly, I want to connect with other middle aged creatives who never got their passion off the ground, and who, as a consequence of their failed passions, never got stuck into a career.

Being a multipotentialite (someone who is completely fucked by their many talents/curiosities) has exacerbated this situation. I’ve always had something else to ‘try’ when the thing I was doing was getting hard, or seemingly going nowhere. Consequently I’ve changed directions and lost momentum again and again, which means I haven’t got anywhere.

So what do you do when you’re pulled in different directions all the time? How do you dig in, push through, get over the hump? Well, I’ll let you know.

I need to get over this to unleash my creativity. I’m held back by the subconscious lingering need to adhere to a mishmash of all my previous brand incarnations and it’s to please the people I used to want to work with. It didn’t happen. I am free.

What do I do from here? How do I pay rent? These are questions I am silently shouting at the sky.